Mourning to Morning
Mourning to Morning
Okay so I’ve heard this song "True Colors" before by Faith Evans, Fantasia, and Kelly Price before and I just appreciated how beautiful it was. One day I was watching the movie Trolls and actually fell asleep on it but the version Justin Timberlake and Anna Kendrick literally woke me up out of my sleep and I watched and immediately started crying. I’m talking real tears. I just thought what if my brother could’ve heard this song? Ya know? What if I just happened to hear this song at the right time and sent it to him would he still be hear? If I had just texted him what would be the outcome. Then I quickly realized that the result would be the same. Everything, as hard as it is to admit for this situation, happens for a reason and I just have to accept that. What if the result of him deciding to take his life was for me to be able to write about it and talk about it to heal someone else and possibly stop someone else from making that decision? I don’t know that part yet but I’ve come to grips with what took place and I’m STILL learning how to get through it.
Just to set the record straight, it has not been easy. As mentioned in the last post I was hurt so I hurt people but another thing that I did was hide from the pain. I didn’t want to feel it nor claim that I was in pain. I shoved it in a safe and threw away the key. Only to find out that others had the key the entire time. A dear friend of mine noticed that I had not quite mourned and called me out on it. Asked me a few questions and just let me cry, let me feel it. Another friend without saying a word just touched me, and all I can remember is I was wrapped in their arms uncontrollably crying. Others prayed with me constantly but they all knew that I had not “properly” dealt with my brother’s death. You know, the bible says to “Rejoice with those who rejoice; and mourn with those who mourn.” Romans 12:15 NIV but selfishly for me I didn’t want people to mourn with me simply because I didn’t want to mourn.
I guess the moment I realized that I had to truly deal with it was a night I was battling being in a room with the friend I mentioned in the last post whose friendship was no longer and having to speak about how I’ve changed since January 27, 2017. IT HURT! I was upset the entire time I was in the room and I was holding back tears so hard I ended up getting a headache. However, as soon as I got home I cried like never before. I yelled. I punched a few pillows. I yelled at God. I’m honestly surprised none of my neighbors called the cops. If I were a neighbor I’d think I was getting beaten. It was the ugliest cry. I mean I cried so hard I put myself to sleep. It was awful but it was exactly what I needed. After that cry I realized that I needed to forgive my friend, forgive my brother, forgive God for being God, and forgive myself for the guilt I carried. I forgave! I breathed, and then I was introduced to a dimension I didn’t know existed within me. I mean shawty started getting her hair done, wardrobe completely changed, and she smiled. A lot!
Happy was what I became. Happy is what I wore. Chile I got yellow hair. Who does that? I mean I know I’m not the first but that’s not a color people just go to the salon to get lol. Yo shout out to my hairstylist Olamide Giwa! (IG: @_lamilam_ and @adannalewa). She lets me be bold, unique, unorthodox, without questions. I said I wanted yellow and she came through with the box braids. Just a little FYI, yellow is my second favorite color and Tweety Bird is my favorite character. Yellow also represents happiness. After all of the mourning came happiness! I wasn’t sure exactly how long I’d be unhappy but I’m glad I took the time to become happy. Your happiness is solely dependent upon you and it took me several months to realize that. It wasn't fake happy either, like: let me smile so these folks can stop asking me if I’m okay, happy. It was happy happy, like: I smiled at people before they smiled at me, happy.
I praise God for my happiness and I want to encourage all of my brothers and sisters that the sunrises every MORNING. If you get to witness that then you still have purpose. The bible says, “Weeping may stay for the night, but joy comes with the morning.” Psalm 30:15 NIV Whatever you’re going through that keeps you from being in control of your happiness is honestly not even worth it. Just from this verse alone one should know that we were not placed on this earth to be in mourning all of our lives. I mean, in my opinion, one can’t properly function if they're not happy. Unhappiness tends to get me off kilter and just in a different space; one that I don’t nor have I ever desired to be in. Stay up friends. God’s got you and remember yellow is the sun, the sun is up every morning, therefore so is joy! Shine on!
If you've been going through the fire I encourage you to get up tomorrow and look at the sun and smile. If there's overcast just know that the sun is their anyway. If you happen to see yellow then smile. Either way know that God is with you, has you, and will never leave you nor forsake you. Lean not on your own understanding and go to him to get your peace and happiness back!
I’ve attached both versions of True Colors. They’re both worth the listen.